Signs

New word for the getting slightly older crowd:

Exhaustipated: Just too tired to give a shit
Aphorisms for the Year:
  • It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
  • you are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
  • We have enough 'youth.' How about a fountain of 'smart?'
  • A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
  • When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
  • Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
  • Money isnt' everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
  • Don't Drink & Drive - you might hit a bump and spill something.
  • Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
  • Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
  • Xerox and Wurlitzert will merge to produce reproductive organs.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • You know why a banana is like a politician? He come in and first he is green, then he turns yellow, and then he's rotten.
  • The reason politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
Today's word is . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line . There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too."
I was buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog (duh?).

On impulse, I told her."No, I am starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd wound up in the hospital last time I tried this diet. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms."

I told her, 'It is essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I want to try it again."

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.

I told her, "No. I was sitting in the street licking my butt and a car hit me.
Letter to Thomas Jefferson

The Court of King George III London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the "opinions of mankind" are a matter of opinion.

3. You hold certain truths to be "self-evident." Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4. "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that "among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at least 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years," these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5. You state that "Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government...." Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies "ought to be Free and Independent States," and that they are "Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown." Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost- effective are your strategies?

8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne's War.

10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your "Declaration of Independence." We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown
Dilbert's "Salary Theorm" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people." This theorm can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power. Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time Since: Knowledge = Power and Time = Money Then: Knowledge = Work / Money

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Example: Managers and sales people make more money than the engineers and scientists.
  • DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
  • WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws the bolts somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
  • ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
  • PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
  • HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
  • VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
  • OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
  • WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
  • HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
  • EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
  • PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
  • TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
  • SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog droppings off your boot.
  • E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
  • TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
  • CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
  • AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
  • TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
  • PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
  • AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 800 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.
  • PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
  • HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
  • HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
  • MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
  • DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick??)

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(I think I'd rather "go blind!")

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The mistress on the other hand may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(This was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what?...... Not as great as Guam !)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper always seemed to be smiling?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight, and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(Did the government pay for this research??)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez)

Starfish don't have brains.
(Not only starfish....)

And, the best for last.....Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(Do you think they have bad breath?)

Silly Stuff

  1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called Ministers Do More Than Lay People.
  2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
  3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring
  4. My mind works like lightning. . .one brilliant flash and it's gone.
  5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
  6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice -- well, it really chilled her mood.
  7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
  8. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
  9. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large trash can.
  10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."
  11. I'm so depressed. . .my doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
  12. Definition of a teenager: God's punishment for enjoying sex.

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist."
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

?What?s all the screaming about in there? he yells. ?You?re scaring my customers!?

?I?m just sitting here on the toilet,? slurs the drunk,? and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.? With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, ?You idiot! You?re sitting on the mop bucket!?

Science Breakthrough

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium ". Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". You will know it when you see it.

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

  • Sag, You're It.
  • Hide and go pee.
  • 20 Questions shouted into your good ear.
  • Kick the bucket.
  • Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
  • Musical recliners.
  • Simon says something incoherent.
  • Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

  • You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
  • Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused...... you shoot him.
  • You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
  • You change your underwear after a sneeze.
  • You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

"OLD" IS WHEN

  • Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and your reply is, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
  • Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
  • You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
  • A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
  • "Getting a little action" means you don't need fiber today.
  • "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
  • An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!

  • Door of a plastic surgeons office:
    "Hello, we can help pick your nose."
  • Pizza shop slogan:
    "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
  • At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
    "Invite us to your next blowout."
  • Sign at the psychic's Hotline:
    "Don't call us, we'll call you."
  • In a Vet's Office:
    "All unattended children given free kitten"
  • Billboard on the side of the road:
    "Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
  • On an Electricians truck:
    "Let us remove your shorts."
  • Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR:
    "Parking for customers Only, others will be neutered."
  • On Maternity Room Door:
    "Push, Push, Push.."
  • At an Optometrists Office:
    "If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
  • On a Taxidermist's window:
    "We really know our stuff."
  • In a Veterinarians waiting room:
    "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
  • In a Podiatrist's office:
    "Time wounds all heels."
  • On a fence:
    "Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."
  • Outside a Muffler Shop:
    "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
  • In a Nonsmoking Area:
    "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
  • Plumber:
    "We repair what your husband fixed."
  • Plumber2:
    "Don't sleep with a drip."
  • Inside a Bowling Alley:
    "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
  • In the front yard of a funeral home:
    "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
  • In a counselors office:
    "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."