One Liners

Some you get, some you go 'Huh?'

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
When I say, "the other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 20 years ago.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but, whatever.
I run like the winded.
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever, we call those people cops.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
If you are sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That will freak you right out.
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why? What did you hear?"
I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning. I don't know whose side I'm on.
To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
It's the start of a brand-new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "GUESS" on it. I said, "Implants?"
I don't do drugs any more 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
Sign in Chinese pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas . . . I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don't approve of political jokes . . . I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce -- yours and Butthead's.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ... now THAT'S a message!
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave a footprint on your heart.
The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either ... JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbors's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his or her shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes of bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so".
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home.
To have a successful relationship I will learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes to help others learn from them.
If you take an Oriental person and spin them around several times, do they become disoriented?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a race car driver is not called a racist?
Why are wise men and wise guys opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald people?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me that they are cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the stamps and have the mailman look for them while he delivers the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when they are winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape full blast, and the mime next door went nuts.
Eschew Obfuscation
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Today, my marker board reads: 'This month is Farm Animal Awareness Week.' It is also National Singles week. Please do NOT get the two mixed up.
"If there is a nonessential phrase, you stick it in commas. Commas are the garbage bags of grammar." - My high school English teacher
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
I before E except after C. We live in a weird society!
37% of Americans agree that while they would hate being British, they wouldn't mind having a British accent.
Guests who kill their talk show hosts. On the last Donahue.
Absence makes the heart grow fungus.
665: Neighbour of the Beast.
DCLXVl - Roman numeral of the Beast
666A, 666B - Tenants of the beast.
766: Upstairs neighbour of the Beast.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
Dyslexic man sells soul to Santa... Film at 11.
When you're swimming in the creek, And an eel bites your cheek, That's a moray! - Fabulous Furry Freak Bros
Christopher Robin Hood steals from the rich and gives to the Pooh.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Refuse Novocain... Transcend Dental Medication.
Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf.
So you say money doesn't motivate you. What does? Ill buy it for you!
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
"Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200"
Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing our living rooms.
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!
9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.
If God had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower.
Only one shopping day left until tomorrow!
By the time they had diminished from 50 to eight, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry".
Oh Lord give me patience... NOW!
Sheep don't fly so much as plummet.
Why be difficult? Put some effort in and be impossible.
Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age...
There's no future in time travel.
Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, And so am I!
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
Write your questions down on the back of $20 dollar bill and send them to me.
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me after I'm dead. - some dead guy
What's the greatest world-wide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.
Tofu - the other white meat substitute.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Iguana: The other green meat.
What's the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
47.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Life - it's nothing like the Brochure!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
"A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again." - Jay Leno
Sure, when... - OINK FLAP OINK FLAP - Well I'll be darned!
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
Carpenter's rule: cut to fit; beat into place.
Today's subliminal thought is:
This email is never sent unsolicited. It is only sent to you because you are lucky enough to know the sender.
Above all else: Sky.
Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet!
Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good.
Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it?
Einstein said that talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence. Answering yourself, however, is a sign of insanity.
"Nearly everything you read signed "from God" is just somebody putting their words in My mouth." - God
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG'? An Amish drive-by shooting.
Two people in every one is a schizophrenic.
A rock -- me -- A hard place
Some people have a way with words, while others.., erm.., thingy.
Opportunity knock only once, if you hear a second knock it's probally a Jehovah's witness.
Assassins do it from behind.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
We're all our fathers' fastest swimmers.
For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.
The wages of sin are eternal damnation. (the hours are good though)
The American Heart and Lung Association surveyed doctors and found that 9 out of 10 doctors who tried Camels went back to women.
ZenCrafters: Total Enlightenment in about an hour.
Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.
Get your mind out of the sewer and into the gutter with the rest of uS.
A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
The British have a reputation for keeping calm even when there is no crisis.
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it. Tallulah Bankhead
'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished.
You can't have everything.., where would you put it?
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
They say when nature calls you should answer it, I say let the answering machine get it.
At least Congress doesn't make death worse every year.
And he disappeared in a puff of logic.
I'd give a thousand dollars to be one of them there millionaires!
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
'I'm not sure who he is, but I've heard he's got his hand in a lot of things.'- Kermit The Frog, about Jim Henson.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart.
Here's a secret tip for X-files fans: Drink two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place with all recollections of the previous nights events mysteriously "erased".
SUSHIDO: The way of the Tuna.
The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Be alert - the world needs more lerts.
A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.
You can insult me but not my mum - her father will be round to see you
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Ways to Relieve Stress #10. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? - John Mendoza
Bill & Hillary are on a sinking ship, who gets saved? The nation.
Time flies when you're in a coma.
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The pragmatist, being thirsty, drinks the water.
Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force 1990-1951.
"It's all coming back to me now", said the blind man as he peed into the wind.
Seen on a fly swatter, 'Pest Doctors - All our patients die. Use this until we get there.'
Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!
Condense soup, not books
The score was Hydrogen: 2 and Oxygen: 1 when the game was called because of rain.
Forest fires only lead to Smokey Bear - prevent them!
Monarchs are acceptable, but we draw the line at Rulers.
Death called while you were out, so I gave him your pager number.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
We reserve the right to arm bears.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
And God said, "Let there be light", and there was light. And everyone said, "Hey, cool! Do You do parties?".
"If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," said the psychiatrist, "try and get me a nice video camera."
It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues.
Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: If you see me running, try to keep up.
I doubt therefore I might be.
"The game of catch has never been so fun!" - inventor of the hand grenade.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted, clicked his spurs and rode off.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
To kiss a fool is bad. To let a fool kiss you is even worse.
I like feminists - I think they're cute.
A friend in need is a friend indeed, But a friend with weed is better.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.
Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?
Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
In the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark".
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but only if no betting is involved.
I guess surrealism's not your cup of tuna.
A hush fell over the courtroom, injuring six.
60% of Americans say that, if they could push a button that would make Larry King disappear, they would keep pushing it and not stop.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
Only Users Lose Drugs...
Don't abuse marijuana.., smoke it gently and carefully.
The early bird still has to eat worms.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
It's so cold here, the lawyers have their hands in their own pockets!
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
Elvis is dead, Mozart is dead, Einstein is dead, and I'm not feeling SO great myself.
He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses, crooked cards and straight whisky.
Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on!
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Pave the planet - One world. One people. One slab of asphalt.
Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.
A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on forecasters.
"AOL for Dummies" is kind of redundant, don't you think?
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
I don't see what all the fuss is about, if those dolphins were so smart, they wouldn't hang out with tuna.
Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number.
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help.
When all else fails, admit I'm right and kiss my ass.
"An Australian relief effort is knitting sweaters to protect the feathers of penguins who are being affected by an oil spill. The sweaters are being refused by many penguins who'd rather die then dress casual." - Conan O'Brien
When Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was suprised, but when Old MacDonald had a FARM, the doctor nearly had a heart attack!
I am diagonally parked between two parallel universes!
I keep trying to lose weight but it always finds me.
The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.
If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why I'm so miserable!
'Bother!' said Pooh, as he uncovered a hive of Smurfs.
I'm gonna survive or die trying.
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigeator.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick."
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil (Chi Chi Rodriguez)
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. (Jack Lemmon)
Some golfers believe 'underclubbing' can be corrected by 'overlooking' or 'undercounting.' When using a caddie it can also be corrected by 'over tipping.'
Tee your ball high...air offers less resistance than dirt. (Jack Nicklaus)
It's not whether you win or lose...it's whether I win or lose.
Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?
Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him. The smart golfer throws his club ahead so he can pick it up on the way to the next hole.
If you have lost more than four balls on any given hole, for safety reasons, let your partner drive the cart.
He who has the fastest golf cart never has a bad lie. (Mickey Mantle)