Church Ladies With Typewriters
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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. She's not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet during their meetings. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she shoved her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here."In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together again. Boy: "Dark in here."A few days later, the father says to the boy,"Grab Your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again... |
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." |
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room, but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar, "what idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus." |
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths: 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People. 2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store. GOOD SAMARITAN A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up." DID NOAH FISH? A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms." THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task –but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rick was so nervous, when it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know." UNANSWERED PRAYER The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." "How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked. BEING THANKFUL A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?" The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!" ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS When Kelli said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!" SAY A PRAYER Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother. "I don't need to," the boy replied. "Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook." |
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay." |
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask "Sara Pipalini!" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months." |
The preacher explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims: "If the preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in appreciation, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and say "If the preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher stays, I will give him sex," There is total silence. The preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said "Screw the preacher." |
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at then Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them." |
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon, bragging to one another about their successful sons. The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps in, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." The third woman crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'." Since the fourth woman just sips her coffee in silence, the first three give her this subtle, "Well...?" sort of look. "My son is 6'2" has broad square shoulders is terribly handsome and dresses exceptionally well. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say 'Oh my God...'." |
3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy says, "I'd like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I'd like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I'd like to hear them say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!" |
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance. 1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at Least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again..... It now says : "HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!" |
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation "Genesis 3:10." Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, but I was naked, and I hid myself." |
Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed. The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished. Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back on, just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over. The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked his mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. The judge was clearly impressed, and after just a few moments declared Jesus the victor. When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders: Jesus saves. |
A farmer is in Iowa during a flood. The river is overflowing, with water surrounding the farmer's home up to his front porch. As he is standing there, a boat comes up, The man in the boat says "Jump in, I'll take you to safety." The farmer crosses his arms and says stubbornly, "Nope, I put my trust in God." The boat goes away. The water rises to the second floor. Another boat comes up, the man says to the farmer who is now in the second story window, "Jump in, I'll save you." The farmer again says, "Nope, I put my trust in God." The boat goes away. Now the water is up to the roof. As The farmer stands on the roof, a helicopter comes over, and drops a ladder. The pilot yells down to the farmer "I'll save you, climb the ladder." The farmer says "Nope, I put my trust in God." The helicopter goes away. The water comtinues to rise and sweeps the farmer off the roof. He drowns. The farmer goes to heaven. God sees him and says "What are you doing here?" The farmer says "I put my trust in you and you let me down." God says, "What do you mean, let you down? I sent you two boats and a helicopter!!!" |
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!" |
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!" |
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing. "Nothing much Pastor." replied the one lad. "We just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life." "Boys ! Boys ! Boys !" he intoned. "I'm shocked. Why when I was your age, I never even thought about sex at all." They all replied, pretty much in unison, "You win Pastor !" |
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out, "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Adam?", The Lord replies. "Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens. "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely." "Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you." "What's a 'woman', Lord?" This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice. "Sounds great." "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." "How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies. "She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle." Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks the Lord, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?" |
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!" |
An angry mob has surrounded a prostitute and is preparing to stone her. Jesus steps up and says "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Suddenly a woman rushes up and smashes a huge stone on the prostitutes head. Jesus looks at the woman and says "You know mom, sometimes you really piss me off." |
A man goes to Easter Sunday mass with his wife and proceeds to fall asleep during the sermon. The priest asks "Who is the father of us all?" His wife takes a needle out of her pocketbook and stabs him in the leg, "God Almighty", the man exclaims. The priest says "Right you are," and asks, "And who was his only son?". The man's wife stabs him with the needle again, "Jesus Christ", he yells. The priest says, "Right again." The man nods off again and the priest asks "What did Eve say to Adam after having their thirteenth child? The man's wife stabs him really hard with the needle and he yells out "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll wrap it around your neck!" |
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH: 1. He went into his father's business 2. He lived at home until the age of 33 3. He thought his mother was a virgin, and his mother thought he was God THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a steady job 3. His last request was a drink THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN: 1. His first name was Jesus 2. He was always in trouble with the law 3. His mother did not know who his real father was THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands 2. He had wine with every meal 3. He worked in the building trades THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK: 1. He called everybody 'brother' 2. He had no permanent address 3. Nobody would hire him THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN: 1. He never cut his hair 2. He walked around barefoot 3. He invented a new religion |
One day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed. On the next day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed. On the next day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again. Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grand-children. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. |
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness. |
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you". She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number 1, you have to be single and number 2, you must be Catholic." The ! cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party." |
Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one." |
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so". Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words." Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed." After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine. "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine. "It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here." |
A visiting minister prayed during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "Without You, we are but dust ..." He would have continued; but, at that moment, one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?" |
Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses? " The man never answered but just kept staring ahead. Again the President said, "Moses! " in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president. Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The secret service agent agreed with the President. "Well," said the President, "Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak." "Watch!" Again, the President yelled, "Moses! " and again the man stared ahead. The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered, "Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!" |
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said,"Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" "Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh my goodness no!," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did." Our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh .. mmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?" "Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in. The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What have I done? He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!" |
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "There is another Washington, further east. I'm going to call it D.C. Wait until you see the idiots I put there." |
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' " "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!" |
A man wants to play golf, but shows up at the golf course by himself. The starter groups him with 3 ladies, currently on the first hole. Upon walking up to the tee, the man sees the three ladies are nuns. He thinks to himself, "I gotta watch my p's and q's!" Everyone introduces everyone else on the first tee and one of the nuns says to the man, "Go ahead sir! You're up." The man takes a deep breath and proceeds to the tee off. The ball goes down the fairway, hits a rock, and bounces directly to the right into the sand bunker. The man says, "Jesus Christ! Did you see that?!" forgetting his audience. He is instantly embarrassed when he comes to his senses and one of the nuns says, "We don't talk that way in the presence of the Lord. Watch your language, sir. Now step aside, it's my turn." The nun winds up and swings as absolutely hard as she can. The ball slices almost instantly, hits a tree dead center, and bounces out of bounds across the parking lot. The nun bends over, gets her tee, and mutters "God damn it!!" as she walks by the man. The man, rather amused and astonished, says "Why sister, you just said..." The nun interrupts and finishes, "Yeah, I know what I just said. But then again you didn't just hit a fucking tree, did you?" |
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall." |
4 GREAT RELIGIOUS TRUTHS: 1 - Muslims do not recognize Judaism as a religion. 2 - Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 3 - Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 4 - Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters. |
A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?" |
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?" "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?" "I'm sorry, but I can't name her." "Was it Kathy Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona Conner, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now." Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads." |
The Internal Revenue sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then,they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, " we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well,Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? " "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service." "Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Internal Revenue Service. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you. |
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus? The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end ! and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, .................... "Are you sure this is where he fell in? |
There are 3 nuns and a mother superior. The mother superior tells the 3 nuns before they can receive their saint name, they had one final test. She told them to go commit one sin so that they would not have urges to be bad. After the 3 nuns return, the mother superior says, "Did you commit your sins?" They all shake their heads yes. The first 2 nuns are crying, the 3rd is giggling. The mother superior says to the first one, "What sin did you commit child?" The first nun answers with tears in her eyes. "I was just rotten, I picked flowers from someone's garden." The mother superior says, "Go drink the holy water and it will be alright." The 3rd nun is dancing around in laughter. The mother superior asks the 2nd one. Her whole body is shaking and she is crying. "I stole candy from a baby." The mother superior says, "My child drink the holy water and you are forgiven." The 3rd nun falls on the floor hysterically laughing. The mother superior is disgusted and asks, "What are you laughing at?" The 3rd nun is barely able to answer through her tears of laughter, "I peed in the Holy water." |
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it." |
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years." |
On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer... ...for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!" Said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer? |
St. Peter at the pearly gates : A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!" St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?" "Just a couple of minutes ago." |
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again". |
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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. |
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