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Three cowboys, one from Wyoming, one from Oklahoma, and one from Texas, sit around a campfire bragging about their adventures. The Wyoming cowboy says, "I gotta be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men. I wrestled that sumbitch to the ground with my bare hands." The Okie cowboy laughs, "That's nothing. I come across a rattler on the trail yesterday, grabbed it round the neck and bit its head off. I drank that venom down in one gulp, and I'm still here today!" The Texas cowboy remains silent, slowly stirring the embers with his penis. Visitor: Wow, you have a lot of flies buzzing round your horses and cows. Do you ever shoo them? Cowboy: No we just let them go barefoot. Swint and Fess, two Oklahoma cowboys, were resting their horses out on the range. "What'd Emmaline give yew for yore birthday?" asked Swint. "Pair of cuff links," said Fess. "But I ain't got no use for them. I can't even find anyplace to get my wrists pierced." Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back." "Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He will always be just a good ole boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he will say is hello." "I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!" A city slicker from Nu York City bought a ranch out west where he intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be-cowboy. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y." "But, where are all your cattle?" "None have survived the branding." A young cowgirl brought her horse in to the vet with a cucumber in his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear. She ask the vet if he could tell her what's wrong with her horse? The vet replied, "I can see he's not eating properly." The insurance agent sat at the kitchen table wearing a white shirt with neck tie. The dusty cowboy offered him a cup of six gun coffee as he sat down. The agent began to ask some question as he pulled out the papers of Insurance application. "Have you ever had an accident," question the agent to the cowboy. "Nope, can't say I have," the Cowboy answered. "Not even one?" asked the agent incredulously as he help fill out the policy. "Nope," the cowboy insisted. "Never been injured working here on the ranch" inquired the agent. The cowboy removed his hat, scratched his head and said, "Well....a Rattler bit me once." The agent exclaimed, "And you don't call that an accident?" "No sir. That darn rattler done it on-purpose." An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. 'You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy." So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away!! As he walks away slowly, he says to himself "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month." |
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Over the last five years the National Transportation Safety Board has been covertly funding a project with the U.S. Auto makers whereby the auto makers have been installing "Black Boxes" in all four wheel drive pickup trucks they have manufactured. This was to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised in 41 of the 50 states the last words of the drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes were" OH SHIT!" Only the states of Arkansas, West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Oklahoma, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were, "Hold my Beer and watch this." |
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Joe has been having terrible headaches for many years and finally he goes to a specialist to see if he can finally get some relief. After the exam the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. Size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache." |
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A cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant." says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business. Now give me back my dog." |
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Our New Bull We recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possible a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!" I don't know what in hell was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint. |
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Texas Ranger Exam A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman, specifically, a Texas Ranger. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the Texas Rangers. After a series of tests and interviews, the Ranger finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Ranger said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an 'Attitude Suitability Test', that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son." Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit." "Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant. "You pass," said the Ranger. "When can you start?" |
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An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does." |
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Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah. She's purty good lookin'." |
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A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in the house and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the guy says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit." |
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The other day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch." |
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You Might be a Redneck Jedi If..... * You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya'll." * Your Jedi robe is camouflage. * You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. * At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. * You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. * You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. * The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. * Wookies are offended by your B.O. * You have ever used the Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. * You have ever used the Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. * Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side... it'll be a hoot." * You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. * You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. * You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. * Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. * You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. * You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck. * You were the only one drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. * Your business cards read "Billy Bob, Jedi Master". * Your Y-wing fighter has a bumper sticker that reads "My other fighter is an X-wing". * You know Ewoks squeal like pigs. * You use your R-2 unit as a beer coaster. * When your sister wears her metallic bikini, you insist she travels by clinging to you while swinging on a rope. * Your land-speeder had a light saber rack. * Your land-speeder has a bumper sticker that reads "Protected by Smith & Wesson Light Sabers" * If you hear ... "Billy Bob, I am your father ... AND your uncle!" |
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A redneck walks into the bedroom of his trailer with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife lying in bed says: "That's a sheep, dickhead." The guy says: "I wasn't talking to you." |
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Have you read the Official Houston Evacuation Plan?
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In Arkansas, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang glider. He took it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he got ready to take flight. He took off running and reached the edge. Into the wind he went. Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin' bout the good ol' days when Maw spotted the biggest bird she had ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaimed. Paw raised up,"Git my gun, Maw." She ran into the house, and got out his pump shotgun. He took careful aim. BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! The monster size bird continued to sail silently over the tree tops. "I think ya missed him, Paw." she says. "Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!" |
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You might be a redneck if: It simply never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God." You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places. You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival." You bow your head when someone prays. You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem. You treat Viet Nam vets and other servicemen with great respect, and always have. You've never burned an American flag in protest. You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening. You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same. You'd give your last dollar to a friend. You don't consider evangelical Christianity to be the nation's greatest threat. |
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A redneck walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check. He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really much rather have a job". The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year". The redneck exclaims, "You're bullshitting me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it." |
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A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class. " His father sends the money. The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?' The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy." |
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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different? Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me." |
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A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in Kentucky recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand these here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" said the game warden. "Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr.Government man, I'll show you. It really works." "Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!" The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the hillbilly. The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?" The hillbilly said, "Call who back?" "The FISH!" replied the warden. "What fish?" answered the hillbilly. |
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Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, you were fine?" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client." I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" |
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The owner of a golf course in east Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from Texas A&M and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everything but my earrings." |
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A group of Redneck friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Bubba?" the others asked. "Bubba had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Bubba laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the Redneck. "But I figured no one is going to steal Bubba!" |
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A senior at Mizzou was overheard saying "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in the Ozarks." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in the Ozarks because everything happens there 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world. |
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The young Redneck came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The Redneck answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." |
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NEWS FLASH! - College Station, Texas: Worst air disaster in College Station history occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Aggies, crashed into a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts. |
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A cop pulled over a Redneck in a pickup on I-35. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The Redneck replied, "Bout whut?" |
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A Redneck had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The Redneck replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The Redneck responded, "They said in Driver's Training class that when you break down, put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either." |
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Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job." Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!" The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed." Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'" |
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Two rednecks are drunk sitting in a bar. One asks the other, "If I have sex with yer ole lady and she gets pregnant, would we be relatives?" The other redneck replies, "No, but we would be even." |
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A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late. The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way I can pass that test!" |
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A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined theproblem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following 4 conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed. And last of all Eddie stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00." |
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The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?" The Cowboy says "Well, it's like this Sheriff, "I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her, so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.' And so. . . here I am." |
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