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A guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decided to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. He uncovered the first stiff and there is a cork in his butt! He thought it a little strange, so he pulled the cork and music started playing! "...Don't break my heart, my achy-breaky heart..." The guy really freaked out! He ran and got the Morgue Assistant and dragged the poor guy back to the table. "Look?' he exclaimed, and pulled the cork out again, "...My achy-breaky heart..." The M.A. is totally unimpressed. "So what?" he said. "Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked. "Are you kidding?" replied the M.A. "Any ass hole can sing country music!" |
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At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.' I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.' A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.' As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked u p from my work and sheepishly said. 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.' Baby's First Doctor Visit A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-feed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' 'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came.' |
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A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you've given not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the director mumbled, "Um. No." "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted. "Or that my sister's husband died in a car accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated director said simply, "I had no idea." "So if I don't give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?" |
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Dave had felt guilty all day long, no matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him: "Dave, don't worry about it. You weren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it Go!". But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality. "Dave, you're a vet...." A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked onin amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150." I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 85?" He asked, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said. He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things." He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you
live to be 85?" |
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Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" Doc says, "Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Raisin Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for. |
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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen,a 3-year old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his ass again!' |
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An Oklahoma City area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its ass. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard, the Sooner fight song come out the guys butt. Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. "Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe." Annoyed by the naivet' of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs. "There, look at the cork in the ass of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it." The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then the Oklahoma fight song started playing. Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: "What's so surprising about that. I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song." |
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What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die. |
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Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. |
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? Stick his bill up his ass. |
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What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand. |
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What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. |
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What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman. |
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. |
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. |
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Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. |
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Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. |
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick. |
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What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet. |
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What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea. |
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? It might be your bicycle. |
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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'" |
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For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." |
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You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice. |
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Understanding Engineers #1 Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't fit you anyway." Understanding Engineers #2 To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Understanding Engineers #3 A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" Understanding Engineers #4 What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. Understanding Engineers #5 The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Understanding Engineers #6 Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" Understanding Engineers #7 Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. Understanding Engineers #8 An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool." |
As a result of the reduction
of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down
on our number of personnel.
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A magazine recently ran a
"Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit
quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. |
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An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, and the souls of your children." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?" |
Think about this: |