Pregnancy
 Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A. No, 35 children is enough. Pregnancy hormones make you want to either rip your husband's clothes off or his head off. There is literally nothing in between Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible? Doctor : Let me tell you a story: “There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion, the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion, then it died!” Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the lion! Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So, what's your question? Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: How many days are there in a month? A: Each month has an average of 30 to 31 days, except the last month of pregnancy, which has 5,243. Bought my very pregnant wife some salt and vinegar crisps knowing how much she likes them. Then I ate them for lunch. If anyone needs me I'll be in a witness relocation program with a new name. 5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees? Pregnant wife: She won't. She waits till she's born. 5-year-old: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool. My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her. I said, “Nah, it’s always at womb temperature.” My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. I replied, “Yes just once.” The doctor asked, “What was it like?” I said, “It was dark, then suddenly very bright.” A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months. The woman asked the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, you’re brother named them for you. Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy? Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew. |
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| Q: What do you call it when you’re unable to find someone to
help you through your pregnancy? A: A midwife crisis. My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?” Q: What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common? A: They both require chickpea. Q: The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy? A: The swallow. Teacher: “Give me a sentence about a public servant.” Student: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” Teacher: “Do you know what pregnant means?” Student: “Yes, it means you’re carrying a child.” Q: What do a pregnant woman and a burned cake have in common? A: You should’ve taken it out earlier. During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels when he has a fever. Q: How do you define pregnancy? A: A nine-month-long hostage situation where you are both the hostage and the building. Don’t fear childbirth. That’s the easy part. They don’t give you drugs to get you through motherhood. Q: What does a pregnant woman say after she apologizes for her random emotional outbursts? A: “Up yours and I hate you.” Q: How is a pregnant woman like a toddler? A: She outgrows her clothes every week! Q: How does being pregnant make you feel? A. Like a superhero. Well, a really tired, weak superhero who wants to eat all the time and isn’t allowed to lift heavy objects. What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can unscrew a light bulb.  I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant. But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby. I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due. She said, “Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it.” Q: What are the terrible twos? A: Your breasts after your baby stops nursing cold turkey. Q: How does one sanitize nipples? A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves. Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A: Yes, your bladder. Waiting for this baby to be born is like picking up someone from the airport. But you don’t know who they are or what time their flight comes in. Pregnancy is nine months of cheat days. You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose. “There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.” — Chinese Proverb Q: What’s the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test? A: A period. “Three-year-old: ‘Can the baby come out and play?’ Pregnant wife: ‘No, honey. She’s not ready yet.’ Three-year-old: ‘Babies are lazy.'” 5 Stages of Pregnancy:
A: Why, yes — in that it’s completely natural to take drugs to alleviate excruciating pain!   |