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Steven Alexander Wright (born Cambridge, MA in December 1955) is a comedian known for his lethargic voice and deadpan delivery. Here are some of his one-liners.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
At one point he decided enough was enough.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
How young can you die of old age?
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
So, do you live around here often?
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
What a nice night for an evening.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Bumper Stickers for the Masses

Take Your Ex Out Tonight - (One Bullet Ought To Do It)
Can't Feed 'Em? - Don't Breed 'Em!
I Child-Proofed My House - But They Still Get In
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
I Am Not An Alcoholic - I'm a Drunk - Alcoholics Go To Meetings

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING CHART

SYMPTOM	FAULT	ACTION
Feet cold and wet.	Glass being held at incorrect angle.	Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet.	Improper bladder control.	Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
Beer unusually pale and tasteless.	Glass empty.	Get someone to buy you another beer.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.	You have fallen over backward.	Have yourself lashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts.	You have fallen forward.	See above.
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.	Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.	Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
Floor blurred.	You are looking through bottom of empty glass.	Get someone to buy you another beer.
Floor moving.	You are being carried out.	Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark.	Bar has closed.	Confirm home address with bartender.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.	Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.	Cover mouth.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.	You are dancing on the table.	Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
Beer is crystal-clear.	It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.	Punch him.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.	You have been in a fight.	Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.	You've wandered into the wrong party.	See if they have free beer.
Your singing sounds distorted.	The beer is too weak.	Have more beer until your voice improves.
Don't remember the words to the song.	Beer is just right.	Play air guitar.

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

"Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going w here no man has gone before!"
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
"You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out..."
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
"Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"God, now I know why I am not gay."
"Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Oxymorons for your daily life

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Bittersweet
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Airline food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Business ethics
Slow speed
Student athlete
Government organization
Definite maybe
Exact estimate
Ill health
Taped live
Sanitary landfill

Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Standard deviation
THIS PAGE INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft rock
Butt head
Military intelligence
Software documentation
New York culture
Texas chic
Unbiased journalism
Pretty ugly

Only choice
Metal woods (golf)
Withheld contribution
United Anarchist
United Nations
Unusual routine
Temporary Tax increase
Extinct life
Stripper's dressing room
Straight angle
Press release
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
"Now, then..."
Synthetic natural gas
Christian scientists
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood

Peace force
New classic
Temporary tax increase
French bravery
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance
Microsoft Works

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.
ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT. IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.
I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.
DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.
I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!
IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.
OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.
HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?
EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.
I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.
WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?
INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED.
JUST REMEMBER, IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.
LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

Investment tips

For all of you with any money left In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

New Definitions

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

INTAXICATION: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

REINTARNATION: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

FOREPLOY: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

GIRAFFITI: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

SARCHASM: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

INNOCULATTE: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

HIPATITIS: Terminal coolness.

OSTEOPORNOSIS: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)

KARMAGEDDON: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

GLIBIDO: All talk and no action.

DOPELER EFFECT: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

IGNORANUS: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Mom's Dictionary

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: able to whine in words.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.
WEEKEND: when Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

Stuff you probably didn't know you Need To Know

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (Oh My God!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy...I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm ...)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Why Golf is Better than other Sports

Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity and why people who don't even play go to tournaments or watch it on TV? The following truisms may shed some light:
Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of players being honorable people who don't need referees.
Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
Professional golfers are paid in direct proportion to how well they play.
Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight when they travel between tournaments.
Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts, because of another player's deal.
Professional golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for the courses on which they play.
When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them or back them.
The PGA raises more money for charity in 1 year than the NFL does in 2.
You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any tournament, including the majors, all day every day for $25 or $30. The cost for even a nosebleed seat at the Super Bowl costs around $300 or more unless you buy it from scalpers in which case it's $1,000+.
You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course, watch the best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and drink. Try that at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums. If you bring a soft drink into a ballpark, they'll give you two options -- get rid of it or leave.
In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a season, like the best baseball hitters (.300 batting average) do.
Golf doesn't change its rules to attract fans.
Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each week.
Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
Golf doesn't have free agency.
In their prime, Palmer, Norman, and other stars, would shake your hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose Canseco wore T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a tournament.
At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports stadiums and arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and nasty name calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
Tiger hits a golf ball over twice as far as Barry Bonds hits a baseball.
Golf courses don't ruin the neighborhood.
And Finally :
Here's a little slice of golf history that you might enjoy.

Why do golf courses have 18 holes - not 20, or 10, or an even dozen?
During a discussion among the club's membership board at St. Andrews in 1858, a senior member pointed out that it takes exactly 18 shots to polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one shot of Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished when the Scotch ran out.

Now you know.

New Medicines

St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up
Menicillin - Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"
Buyagra - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Extra Strength Buy-One-all - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Jack Asspirin - Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Anti-talksident - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin - Bedroom aerosol spray for men. More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamet - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner/significant other is taking his/her sweet time

Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.
Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares,"...and see what happen.
Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shopper you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone"?
Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME, PICK ME!!!!!!"
When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly ... 'Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!'.

Fun Reflections on Life

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Do you think illiterate people get the full affect of alphabet soup?

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if you've got a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the walls.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Reasons golf is better than sex...

You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.

If you are having trouble with golf, it's perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.

The Ten Commandments don't say anything about golf.

If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet when you become famous.

Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with.

It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.

When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.

If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.

Nobody will ever tell you that you can go blind if you golf by yourself.

When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.

You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite coworkers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.

There's no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.

If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.

Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.

Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.

You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.

Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"

The 15 Best Things to Say if You Are Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.
Whew! Guess I left the top off of the Liquid Paper.
I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people.
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminating against people who practice yoga?
I was doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) that I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me go to.
Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
The coffee machine is broken...
Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic.
I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up a contact lens without my hands.
Amen

TOP 10 TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

10 - "What the *&%# was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima August 1945

9 - "Where did all the *&%#ing Indians come from?" - Custer 1877

8 - "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein 1938

7 - "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" - Picasso 1926

6 - "How the *&%# did you work that out?" - Pythagoras 126 BC

5 - "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo 1566

4 - "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." - Joan of ARC 1434

3 - "Scattered *&%#ing showers ... my ass!" - Noah 4314 BC

2 - "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in the head!" - JFK 1963

1 - "Aw co'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out? - Bill Clinton 1997

Cat Commandments

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are transparent.
Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region.
Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.
Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.
Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.
Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.