Some Ronald Reagan quotes to brighten your day.
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COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But, they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow. CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore. TEN COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse? You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment! MARTHA STEWART "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail." |
Here are some really bizarre laws: • It is Illegal to Wear a Bulletproof Vest While Committing a Murder In New Jersey – you must give the other person an even chance of killing you back • Bingo Games Can’t Last More Than Five Hours In North Carolina – how long does it take to call out all those numbers anyway? • Beer and Pretzels cannot be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant in North Dakota – must be a way to cut down on your carbs • You May Not Take a Picture of a Rabbit during the Month of June In Wyoming – the mating season and porno bunnies are hopping around you know • It Is Illegal For A Man to Give His Sweetheart A Box of Candy Weighing More Than 50 lbs In Idaho • It is Illegal to Have Christmas Decorations Up After January 14 In Maine – glad I don’t live there. Takes me to November most years. • It is Illegal to Walk across a Street on Your Hands In Connecticut – very serious problem back in the ‘walking on your hands’ days • Women Must Obtain Written Permission from Their Husbands to Wear False Teeth In Vermont – and men must obtain permission to fart • Whistling Underwater Is Illegal In Vermont – goes with the farting thing • You Must Be 18 Years of Age to Play a Pinball Machine In South Carolina – who wants minors making all that noise anyway • Putting Salt on a Railroad Track May Be Punishable By Death In Alabama – must figure out another way to grind my salt • Donkeys Cannot Sleep In Bathtubs In Arizona – OK, who put the donkey in my bathtub in the first place? • No Vehicle without a Driver May Exceed 60 Miles per Hour In California – thank goodness they raised the speed limit over 55 • Waking a Sleeping Bear for a Photo Opportunity Is Strictly Forbidden In Alaska – forbidden and stupid • You Can Be Stopped By the Police for Biking Over 65 Miles per Hour In Connecticut – OMG, if your bike is going that fast, you really need to be pulled over • It Is Illegal To Serve Butter Substitutes in Wisconsin State Prisons – don’t want those convicts to have a reason to complain • Fishing While Sitting on a Giraffe’s Neck is Forbidden In Illinois – glad we don’t have this restriction in Texas • It Is Illegal To Rob A Bank and Then Shoot at the Bank Teller with A Water Pistol In Louisiana – and you can’t throw water balloons, either • Next-Door Neighbors May Not Lend Each Other Vacuum Cleaners In Colorado – that will put the traveling vacuum cleaner salesmen out of a job • No One May Cross Minnesota State Lines with a Duck On Top Of Their Head – I hear that’s a bit problem in Arkansas, too • It Is Illegal For A Man to Buy Drinks for More Than Three People at A Time In Las Vegas – one for the guy and two for the ladies. Anymore than that is being selfish. • Donut Holes May Not Be Sold In Nebraska – not surprisingly, there is a huge underground sales of this illicit donut holes in Lincoln • It Is Illegal To Sleep On Top Of A Refrigerator Outdoors In Pennsylvania – I always wondered what it would be like to sleep on a reefer outdoors And just to let you know that really bizarre laws are not limited to the US: • It is illegal to die in London’s Houses of Parliament – kindly remove yourself to Big Bend instead • Flushing the Toilet after 10 PM Where the Person Lives In an Apartment Is Illegal In Sweden – oowwwww, I gotta go NOW! OK. But just don’t flush! |
You might live in a country founded by geniuses but run by idiots:
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Some Will Rogers' quotes.
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Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. |
Does the expression, "We've always done it that way!" ring any bells? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That is an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that is the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads. Why did the English build them like that? |
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how I work. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie." She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?" "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. The genie said, "OK, broke-back boy, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached. |
As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm. A squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice pigs, sir." The President replies: "These are not pigs, Marine. These are authentic Texan Javalina. I got one for Ted Kennedy, and the other for Hillary Clinton." The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade sir!" |
I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well-paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes. Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my homes. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything that Senator Kerry and Senator Kennedy want to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go. Sincerely, Saddam Hussein |
Senator Hillary Clinton was attending a party when she noticed the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. She walked over to him, and in a quiet voice said, "If you were my husband, I would poison your drink." Schwarzenegger smiled, leaned forward, and whispered in her ear, "And if you were my wife, I would drink it" |
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth. She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his. One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying. Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over." Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA." The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!" The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party." |
A guy interviews for a job with the government. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?" "Yes, I served two tours in Vietnam." "Good, that counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?" "I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work, though." "Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get! you started." "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?" "Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point in your coming in for that" |
President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning World War III." And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims." |
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude." She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican. " I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault." |
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; So they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin.Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So, they fired the watchman. |
So you have two cows....... DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, Milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down-sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' Private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons. IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best Accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders. |
After Secretary of State Clinton reportedly had a mild concussion, a reporter asks Bill Clinton, "How's Hillary's head?" "We'll, she's no Monica." |
Dear Continental, American Airlines, Southwest, Delta, United, et al: I have the solution to prevent hijackings and get our airline industry back on its feet at the same time. Replace all female flight attendants with good lookin' strippers. What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again hoping to see naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenue. Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton |
The US Navy welcomed the latest member of its fleet today. The USS William Jefferson Clinton CVS1 set sail today from its home port of Vancouver, BC. The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Clinton and his foresight in military budget cuts. The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one F14 Tomcat or F18 Hornet aircraft, which although they cannot be launched or captured on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence. As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board. The 20 person crew is completely diversified and includes members of all races, creeds, sex, and sexual orientation. The ship's purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defense — in fact in times of conflict its orders are to remain in hiding in Canada, but will be used extensively for social experimentation and whatever worthless jobs the ex-commander in chief and his wife can think of. |
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York, to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is. "Richard", replied the little boy. "And what is your question, Richard?" "I have three questions: 1. Whatever happened to your medical health care plan? 2. Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? 3. Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "My name is George." "And what is your question, George?" "I have 5 questions: 1. Whatever happened to your medical health care plan? 2. Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? 3. Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? 4. Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? 5. What happened to Richard?" |
Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton." The marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton. I've told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!" |
Bill Clinton was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, Bill leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until he took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, Bill introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another wonderfully lovely evening - red sky, clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, Bill started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" |
Senator Hillary Clinton was attending a party when she noticed the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. She walked over to him, and in a quiet voice said, "If you were my husband, I would poison your drink." Schwarzenegger smiled, leaned forward, and whispered in her ear, "And if you were my wife, I would drink it" |
Bill, Hillary, and Al were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left." God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain." God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right." God then addressed Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?" "I believe you're in my chair." |
Bill Clinton is visiting a elementary school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone could give him an example of a "TRAGEDY" One little boy stands up and says "If my best friend was playing in the street and a car came along and hit him and killed him that would be a "TRAGEDY." "No" Clinton says "That would be an accident" A girl raises her hand "If a school bus carring 50 children went off a cliff killing them all that would be a "TRAGEDY". "I'm afraid not" explained Clinton "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS." The room is slient none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks Clinton. "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a "TRAGEDY"??? Finally a boy in the back of the room raises his hand and in a timid voice says "If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb "That would be a TRAGEDY". "Wonderful" says Clinton "Can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY? "Well" says the boy "Because it wouldn't be an ACCIDENT and it certainly wouldn't be no GREAT LOSS." |
President Clinton was to represent the United States of America on a highly formal, orchestrated "state visit" to Great Britain. Air Force One stopped at a bright red carpet along which the President strode to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses. The coach proceeded through the streets enroute to Buckingham Palace, the President and the Queen alternating between exchanging pleasantries and waving each out their respective windows to the cheering throngs. At one point, the right rear horse produced a thunderous, cataclysmic fart that reverberated through the air and rattled the doors of the coach. Presidents and Queens are, first and foremost, human beings. Their first reaction was to focus their attentions outside their respective windows, and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened. The Queen, steeped in decades of experience living with the mundane and bizzare together, was the first to realize that ignoring what had happened was ridiculous. "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought; why, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses." |
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD USA, they decided to sent it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95. Love, Timmy |
Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly. Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President." |
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients for them to operation: The first surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds: "Try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." 'The third surgeon says: "No, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon intercedes-. "I like construction workers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when it takes longer than you expect." To which the fifth surgeon says: "You're all wrong. Bill and Hillary Clinton are the easiest. There's no guts, no heart no spine and their head and butt are interchangeable. |
Bill Clinton has a dream in which he meets George Washington. He says, "George, what can I do to make things better for the people?" George Washington says, "Lower the taxes." Clinton replies, "Oh, George, I can't do that." The next night, Clinton dreams again but this time Thomas Jefferson is there. "Thomas," Clinton says, "what can I do to make things better for the public"? Thomas Jefferson replies, "Lower the taxes." Clinton says, "Ugh! You, too? I can't do *that*!" The next night, Clinton dreams yet again, and this time Abraham Lincoln is there. "Abe Lincoln," Clinton says, "what can I do to make things better for the people"? Lincoln thinks for a moment and then says... "Er.... Go to the theater." |
Bill Clinton and George Bush go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready to order?" Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie." "A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."" She walks away. Bush leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche." |
The Office of Personnel Management for the federal government today announced the 2000 holiday schedule for federal employees. There will be two less holidays in D.C. next year. Halloween and Thanksgiving have been canceled. The witch is moving to New York and she's taking the turkey with her. |
Once upon a time, on a farm in Texas, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat. She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?" "Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did. The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen. "Not I," said the duck. "Out of my classification," said the pig. "I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did. At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread! ?" asked the little red hen. "That would be overtime for me," said the cow. "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig. "If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose. "Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see. They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves." "Excess profits!" cried the cow. "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. The pig just grunted in disdain. And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities. Then a government agent came and said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy." "But I earned the bread," said the little red hen. "Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle," And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand," But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free. And all the LIEBERALS smiled. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed - perhaps no one cared - as long as there was free bread that "the rich" were paying for. Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs. Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything. IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY, OR WHAT? |
Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the very beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, every one knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, he's been out of work for the past four years and has not even looked for a new job since. All he does is smoke cigars, and cruise around with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college, he does not even pretend to like me...and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?? Signed, Clueless Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York, act like one! |
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died." "No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump. "Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well." The Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter. A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died." Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator..... |
A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual. He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?" The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire.. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her. The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning." |
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power in January 2001.
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Hillary visited a psychic of some local repute.
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A pause in the conversation. "Well, what do you have to say???" There is nothing but dead silence on the other end of the phone. She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME?" Finally, Bill says, in a very, very low whisper, "Who is this?" |
The Jayne Carroll Show is a political talk radio program which airs daily in the Portland, Oregon metropolitan area. On Friday, February 2nd, Carroll asked her audience to come up with an official name for the Clinton's $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, New York. Carroll's call-in contest required the names to be in relative good taste, original and should capture the essence of one or both the Clintons. The response was overwhelming. Some names nominated for the Clinton's new home included:
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Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
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Some Scary John Kerry laughs For the good of the country, please help in this election: If you support the policies and character of George W. Bush, please drive with your headlights on during the day on Friday. If you support John Kerry, please drive with your headlights off at night. |
John Kerry is out jogging one morning and notices Little Hannah on the corner with a box. Curious, he alters his course, jogs over to Little Hannah and says, "What's in the box, kid?" Little Hannah says, "Kittens. They're brand new kittens." Kerry laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" "Democrats," says Little Hannah. "Oh that's cute," he says and goes on his way. A few days later, Kerry is jogging with his buddy John Edwards and he spies Little Hannah with her box just ahead. Kerry says to Edwards, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to Little Hannah. Kerry says, "Look in the box, Johnny, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Johnny what kind of kittens they are." Little Hannah replies, "They're Republicans." "Whoa!" Kerry says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?". "Well, "Little Hannah explains, "Their eyes are open now." |
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"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." –Jay Leno
"There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" —Craig Kilborn "'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien "John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." —Jay Leno "John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno "Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" —David Letterman "Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." —David Letterman "President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " —Craig Kilborn "The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart "John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." —David Letterman "Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn "Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno "John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn "Kerry's said all these foreign leaders said they want him to win, but Kerry hasn't even been out of the country in a year and a half, which means the only possible foreign leader he could have met with is Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Jay Leno "John Kerry said that a lot of world leaders want him to be the president and the Bush administration said, 'Yeah, well, like who?' and John Kerry said, 'Well, I can't say really.' So, now they're really hammering John Kerry and listen to this, the only name he could come up with? Queen Latifah." –David Letterman "John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse." –Conan O'Brien "John Kerry met with Al Sharpton. Can you see the two of them standing together? It'd look like Abe Lincoln with Ruben from American Idol." –Jay Leno "Of course, it is still eight months to election day, but the campaign is starting to fall into its own natural rhythm: falsely macho Kerry comment, falsely indignant Bush response." –Jon Stewart "John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly." –David Letterman "John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He's going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her — at her bank." –Jay Leno "John Kerry said today that he stands by ... his claim that certain foreign leaders have told him that they hope he wins. And George Bush fired back. He said oh yeah, certain Supreme Court justices have told me that I'm going to win." –Jay Leno "The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." –Jay Leno "Please, John Kerry, stop rolling up your sleeves like you're about to man a register at Costco. You're a Boston Brahmin who married not one, but two eccentric heiresses. You're not Joe Sixpack; you're Claus Von Bulow." –Bill Maher "In a speech yesterday John Kerry said that before November he may go to Iraq. Is that a good idea for him to go to Iraq? You thought Bush didn't have a reason to bomb Iraq before." –Jay Leno "John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion?" –Jay Leno "Remember last week when John Kerry wanted to be the second black president since Clinton was considered the first black president. A civil rights leader has come forward and asked him to apologize. He says Kerry is a white man born to privilege and says he has no idea what the black experience is like. Today Kerry said, 'Yo chill out brother, why you dissin' me like that?'" –Jay Leno John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." –Jay Leno "John Kerry was in Florida this week, reaching out and talking with elderly voters. You know, I think it made Kerry a little uncomfortable to be with these elderly people. He finally got a chance to see what he'd look like without Botox." –Jay Leno "In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." –Jay Leno "John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit." —Craig Kilborn "Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." —Jay Leno "President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." —Jay Leno "John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened." —Jay Leno "Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?" —Jon Stewart "John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" —Jay Leno "John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head." —Jay Leno "Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters."' —Jay Leno "John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." —Jay Leno "They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" —Jay Leno "Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward." —Jay Leno "Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." —Craig Kilborn "A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now." –Jay Leno "Senator John Kerry won the primaries last night. In fact, in the rural areas, he got over 67 percent of the mullet vote." –Jay Leno "They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" –Jay Leno "The White House began airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected unless, of course, it's the Vietnam War." –Jay Leno "John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man." –Jay Leno "I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal." –David Letterman "John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." –Craig Kilborn "Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him." –Jay Leno "It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement." –Jay Leno "According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." –Jay Leno "An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton- Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" –Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" "Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27- year-old woman came forward to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front- runner John Kerry. The woman added, "I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'" –Conan O'Brien "The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'" –Conan O'Brien "The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." –Jay Leno "They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" –Jay Leno |