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Did you hear their putting bar codes on the sides of Swedish warships? That way they can tell when they return to port because they'll scan-da-navi-an... Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis. What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and sticky? A piece of gum. Why shouldn’t you play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs. What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium. What do you call a bird that was run over by a lawnmower? Shredded Tweet. Do you know what’s intense? Camping. Biden walks into a bar and asks the pretty girl at the bar...Do I come here often? What’s the difference between St. Patrick’s Day and MLK Day? Everyone wants to be Irish on St. Patrick’s Day. Most puns make me numb. Math puns make me number. What’s brown and sticky? A stick! What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef! What do you call a dog with no legs. Nothing, It wouldn't come if you called it. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs laying on your porch? Matt! What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a girl with one leg, Eileen What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the lake? Bob! I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. What is Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1 Remember when you could get air at the gas station for free and now you have to pay for it? Why is that? Inflation. You know when the geese fly south for the winter, and one side is longer than the other. Do you know why? There are more birds on that side! I'm grateful for my fingers. I can always count on them. I walked into a restaurant called Karma...there is no menu...you just get what you deserve. Little known fact: Before the crowbar was invented, crows simply drank at home. How guys buy shampoo: It says shampoo. It's on sale. Why it is a bad idea to major in physics: 5% says the math is hard. 95% says you'll never enjoy action movies again as you'll always notice the wrong physics. Mom talking to Becky on the phone: "I can't use the computer tonight. Dad has to scroll down to his year of birth." It's never too late to start believing in yourself. Vlad the Impaler didn't even start impaling people until his mid-30s. I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son's train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks. What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire? One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer. My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy. At least, that's what she said in her dairy. While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn't seem amused. It must have been the delivery. For the last eight years I've been voted the "most secretive guy" in the office by my coworkers. Can't tell you how much this awards means to me. My grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars. He came home to us a seasoned veteran. Can't believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Seriously, how low can you go. My wife and I were blissfully happy for 25 magical years. And then we met. A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror. The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys!" My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I replied, "Go for it." he shouted, "NO. NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" Slight puzzled, I said, "That's Superman." "Thanks" he laughed. "I've been practicing it a lot." Back in the day..." My grandpa start to say. "You could walk into a grocery store with $3 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But... "Now however," he continued, "wherever you go there are those damn cameras. A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at a tree, when it shouted, " Wait! I'm a talking tree!" The lumberjack grinned, "And you will dialogue!" Where do one-leg waitresses work? IHOP Riding a stationary bike will get you nowhere. Why does a bicycle have a kickstand? Because it's two tired. Two fish were swimming and hit a concrete structure. One looked at the other and said, dam. Why do you never see elephants hiding up in trees? Because they’re really good at it. I just got fired from the orange juice factory - I couldn’t concentrate! I invented a mind-controlled perfume. It makes scents when you think about it. Do people who drive electric cars listen to AC/DC or do they prefer something more CURRENT? Had a dream last night that I was a muffler. Woke up exhausted! Why stand in a corner if you're cold? Because it's usually about 90°. Why did the cow go to Hollywood? To be in the moovies. What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot. How do birds learn to fly? They wing it. How do you throw a party in outer space? You planet! Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school. How did the pirate get such a good price on his ship? It was on sail. Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind. It’s tear-able. What did Sparticus say when the lion ate his wife? Nothing. He was glad-iator. Where does 007 invest his money? In the bond market. What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey … until I turned myself around. I don’t trust stairs … they’re always up to something. Why did the football coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back! What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus! Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock. Why do turkeys play percussion? They have drumsticks. What do you call a happy cowboy? A Jolly Rancher. What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque! What did the beach say when the tide came in? Long time, no sea. Why should you not use an unsharpened pencil? It's pointless. |