I know it isn't exactly politically correct, but these are fun and my daughter knows more than I do.
|
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." |
|
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So, he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes." |
|
A pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!" The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough." |
|
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! they spelled MACYS wrong. Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday. The Blonde's Revenge! A blonde is sitting on a plane waiting for it to depart, when a lawyer-looking guy comes and sits next to her. While she is trying to catch some zzz's, the guy next to her leans over and says, 'Do you want to play a game? We'll ask each other questions and if we don't know the answer to each others questions, we'll hand over $5.' She replies, 'No thank you, I'd like to get some sleep.' He says back to her, 'O.K. I'll give you $50 (thinking she's a dumb blonde, he'll never have to pay), and you only have to pay $5.' She finally gives in and he asks the first question. He asks her, 'What is the distance from the Sun to the Earth?' She reaches over into her purse, pulls out $5, and hands it to him. 'Now it's my turn,' she says. 'What is black and white, goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down with four?' He pulls out his laptop, gets on the Web and no one knows the answer. He gets out his cell phone and calls friends and family, no one knows the answer. He goes back online and emails all his connections, and still, no one knows the answer. After an hour, he finally looks over and taps the blonde on the shoulder to wake her up, and says, 'You got me. I tried everyone I possibly could and no one knows the answer. Here you go, you deserve the $50.' She accepts it and says thank you, turns over and goes back to her nap. He looks at her and says, 'Well, what's the answer?!' She reaches into her purse and hands him a $5 bill, turns over and goes back to sleep. Friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason." The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?" The brunette says, "Oh sure.....but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?" |
|
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker, who is blonde, asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was nuts and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him, "I am a light bulb." He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "And where do you think you're going?" She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!" |
|
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general... and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little @#%&* on your knee!" |
|
A blond lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to see him. When I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he was trying to win a Nobel Peace prize. I said, "Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?" He replied, "I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Nobel Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field." |
|
A brunette goes to see her doctor: "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me but I hurt all over." "What do you mean?" said the Doc. "Well, if I touch my shoulder here, it hurts, and if I touch my leg here, it hurts, and if I touch my head here, it hurts, and if I touch my foot here, it hurts." "Tell me," said the doctor. "Do you dye your hair?" "Yes," she said. "I'm really a blonde." "I thought as much; you've broken your finger." |
|
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" |
|
BLONDE: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?" MAN: "It's 3:15." BLONDE: (puzzled look) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer." |
|
A blond guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian." The blond goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from?" |
|
A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, "I think you are the best teacher I've ever had." The chair immediately dumped her on the floor. After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The professor asked her to tell something of her life. She began, "I think -" The next thing she knew, she was sitting in the floor. |
|
A blonde's house is on fire when she pulls up to her residence in the country. From her cell phone, she calls the fire department in a panic. The dispatcher tells her to settle down; they need to know how to get to her house. The blonde replies, "Duh, in your big red fire truck." |
|
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it." |
|
A blonde walks into a store, and sees something. She asks, "What's that?" The owner says, "It's a thermos." "What does it do?" "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde buys it. The next day, she brings it to work, and is telling her coworker about it. He asks, "What do you have in it?" The blonde says, "Two cups of soup and ice cream." |
|
A blonde woman was standing at the pop machine; she put in her money and pressed the Coke button and out came a can of Coke. She looked at it and smiled. She took out a dollar, put it in the pop machine pressed the 7-Up button and out came a can of 7-Up. She looked at it and really started smiling. She put in the change from her dollar and pressed the Coke button again, out came another can of Coke. Then she was just beaming! There was a man standing there watching her, and he finally went up to her and said, "What are you doing?" She looked at him and said, "Duh, I'm winning!" |
|
This milkman sees a note on the door of one of his blonde customers. The note asks for 100 quarts of milk. Thinking this a mistake, the milkman rings her doorbell and asks about the 100 quarts. She says, "Yes, I need 100 quarts. On the talk show I saw last night they said milk baths are good for the skin." The milkman asks, "Do you want it PASTURIZED?" She answers, "No. Up to my shoulders will be sufficient!" |
|
A blonde painted an X on the bottom of the boat. Her blonde friend walked up and asked, "What are you doing?" She replied, "Now I'll be able to find the same fishing spot again." Her blonde friend called her an idiot because "we may not get the same boat again"! |
|
Why can't blonds make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe. Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the little packet. Why don't blondes double recipes? The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees. What does a blonde make best for dinner? Reservations. How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff. A blonde goes to get her hair cut. The hair stylist cuts for about 30 minutes, hands the blonde a mirror and asks, "How do you like it?" The blonde says, "It's okay, but could you make it just a little longer on the back?" What do a group of blondes have in common? Nothing they can think of. Why was the blonde housewife mad at her husband? He was out shooting craps and she didn't know how to cook them. Why do blondes have more fun? They are easier to keep amused. How do you keep a blond busy? Write 'please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. Why do blondes shower for hours? The shampoo bottle says, "Lather, rinse, and repeat!" What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? Bigfoot has been spotted. What do you call a smart blonde? A Labrador retriever. What do UFOs and smart blonds have in common? You keep hearing about them, but never see any. What is every blonde's ambition in life? To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet. What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A visitor. Why is a blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning? It swells at night. Why did God create blondes? Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Why did God create brunettes? Neither could the blondes. Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? She kept having affairs with men! A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!" |
|
Three blondes walked into a bar. The bartender asked the first what she wanted. She replied "I'll have a BL." He thought a moment and then asked her "What's a BL?" She replied, "Well, duh, a BL is a Bud Lite." He turned to the second one and asked what she wanted. She replied "Make mine a ML." He thought ok, if a BL is Bud Lite, then ML could be Michelob or something, and said, "OK, what's a ML?" She replied, "Well, duh, it's a Miller Lite." He then turned to the third one and asked what she wanted. She replied "I'll have a 15." He said, "Ok, BL is Bud Lite, and ML is Miller Lite, but I have never heard of a 15. What is it?" She said, "Well, duh, it's a 7 and 7." |
|
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any" "But I always buy it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist. "YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it. He says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM " |
|
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune - George, the Wal-Mart greeter - sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. |
|
I was sitting in a cafeteria recently, next to a blonde who was engrossed in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." She shook her head at the sad news. Then, turning to me, asked, "How many is a Brazilian?" |
|
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double pane, energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back. Guess I won that stupid argument! |
|
THE BLONDE YEAR IN REVIEW January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter. March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years." April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets. June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms. August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down. September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C." October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to peel. Also, complained to the company since half of the candies had "W' and not "M" on them. November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120. December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button. |
|
Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida.......????? |
|
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" |
|
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" |
|
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" |
|
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Helloooo," answered the blond, "They are watch dogs." |
|
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" I said "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!" Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!" |
|
A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. Mary: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static." Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" Mary: "Head Cleaner." |
|
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back!" |
|
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "Peel and Win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch." But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!" Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads... W I N A B A G E L. |
|
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego? " "Sure, " answered the blonde, "do you need a lift? " "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble. " "I'd be happy to, " said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What the heck are you doing here? " he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did, " said the blonde, "but we had money left over. So, now we're going to Sea World." |
|
A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of! the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out "SHIT... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!" |
|
Three blondes die and find themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was. The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "No," and he turned her away. The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "No," and he turns her away. The third blonde said she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "Okay, so, tell me." She says, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having a Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder..." St. Peter relies, "Very good!" Well, instead of shutting up while she was ahead, the blonde continues, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball." |
|
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out," he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!" |
|
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." |
|
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" |
|
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" |
|
One Liners How did the blond explain how his helicopter crashed? He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan. Why did the blond quit his job as a restroom attendant? He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer. What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials? Double-dumb. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower? The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds. What's the advantage of being married to a blond? You can park in handicapped zones. What happened to the blonde tap dancer? She slipped off and fell down the drain. How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde? It is the one with the kickstand. What do you call an all-blond skydiving team? A new version of the Lawn Darts game. Where do you look for blonds' obituaries? Under "Home Improvements." Why did the blond take his new scarf back to the store? It was too tight. Why did it take the blond a whole week to wash three basement windows? It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in. Did you hear about the blond who gave his cat a bath? He still hasn't gotten all the hair off his tongue. How does a psychic refer to a blonde? Light reading. Did you hear about the blond who never learned to waterski? He couldn't find a lake with a slope. What do you call a blond in a leather jacket? A rebel without a clue! Why did the blond only smell good on the right side? He didn't know where to buy Left Guard! Why couldn't the blond bob for apples? His sister was using the toilet. A blond is going to London on a plane; how can you steal his window seat? Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday. Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering? The noise gave her a headache. Why don't blonds have elevator jobs? They don't know the route. What did the blond do when he noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? He turned it over and used the other side. Did you hear about the blond who just bought an A.M. radio? It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night. Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea? She said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams. Why did the blond stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed? He wanted to see what he looked like asleep. How many blonds does it take to make a circuit? Two: one to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass him the blow dryer! Why do blondes have more fun? They are easier to keep amused. What does a postcard from a blond's vacation say? Having a wonderful time. Where am I? Why do blonds have TGIF on their shoes? Toes go in first. Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? They can't get the bottle into the typewriter. Why did the blond scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. Why did the blond tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. How does a blond hemophiliac treat himself? Acupuncture. Did you hear about the blond who shot an arrow into the air? He missed. What's the difference between a blonde and a tree? The tree knows when it's being cut down. Why are most blonde jokes one-liners? So men will understand them. What did the blonde do with her arsehole in the morning? Packed his lunch and sent him to work. How can you tell which blonde is the waitress? She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. Did you hear about the blonde who won the gold medal at the Olympics? She had it bronzed. What's a blonde's favorite color? A light shade of clear. What do blondes and cow-pats have in common? They both get easier to pick-up with age. Did you hear about the blond prisoner who was found in his cell with half a dozen bumps on his head? He tried to hang himself with a bungee cord. Hear about the blond explorer? He bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert. How did the blond moonwalk? He got naked from the waist down and slid his butt along the floor. Did you hear about the blond who thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates? |
|
A girl comes skipping home from school and shouts "Mummy, Mummy, today we did counting and all the other kids only got up to 5, but I got up to 10....1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, that's good isn't it, Mummy?" "Yes, dear, it is." "Is that because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, dear, it is." The next day the girl comes skipping home and screams, "Mummy, Mummy, today we did the alphabet and all the other kids only got to D but I got up to G..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G....that's good isn't it, Mummy?" Yes, dear, it is." "Is that because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, dear, it is." The following day the girl comes skipping home and says "Mummy, Mummy, we did gym class and all the other girls had flat chests but I have these!" and pulls up her top revealing a pair of amazing 36C breasts. "That's good isn't it, Mummy?" "Yes, dear, it is," replied a slightly embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No, dear, it's because you're 25!" |
|
A plane is on its way to Des Moines when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Des Moines and I'm staying right here." The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Des Moines and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to the crews direction. The pilot says, "You say she's a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she ways, "Oh, I'm sorry." And she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, "First class isn't going to Des Moines." |
|
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then," he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box." |
|
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? Brown-bagging it. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? What is the difference between a brunette and garbage? What's a brunette's mating call? |
|
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them". A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy, W." |
|
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" |
|
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she manged to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes officer, I'm just fine", the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth." |
|
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" |
|
Top Ten Inventions By Blonds
|
|
Blonde Medical Terminology
|
|
|
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar". The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the morror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" |
|
A blonde suspects her boy friend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead! Well, the blonde is really angry! She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!' An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here,"
she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one
has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" |
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles, so
she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a
local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and
wrote this note:
|
One day a blonde decided she needed a little extra money for her
upcoming vacation, so she thought she'd just find a way to do a
little work on the side. After some thought, she decided she was
capable of doing little jobs around the house, so went out
looking for work doing odd jobs.
|
A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a
winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book
she could find on ice fishing.
|
A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire
State Building. How do you tell them apart?
|
|
|